Friday, April 11, 2008

A note to my neighborhood elders

To the old lady driving in front of me this morning -

The proper way to make a lane change:
1) Check your side mirror.
2) Turn your head and check your blind spot.
3) Use your turn signal.
4) Change lanes!

The improper way to make a lane change:
1) Slow down to 15 mph when the speed limit is 35 mph.
2) Slowly drift into the next lane when a car is already there.
3) Freak out when the person you almost crashed into honks at you.
4) Freak out again when I honk at you for returning to your original lane where I am trying to speed up.
4) Continue driving at 10 mph...

I WILL honk at you again, lady. I remember what you and your beat up Mazda look like.

To the old man walking his cat this morning -

Your cat DOES NOT want to be walked. It's apparent that your cat is not having a good time if it refuses to move when you attempt to drag it across the crosswalk by it's leash. Pick it up and take it home. And, who the hell walks their cat!?

To the old man who feeds the birds outside my home-

Thank you for feeding the pigeons every Thursday with your bagfuls of stale bread. I'm sure everyone in the neighborhood is thrilled that the pigeons have become so plump and that the pigeon population has multiplied these past few months. Have you noticed that they've been pooping a lot more too... on ME. I've been shat on twice since I've moved into the neighborhood.

STOP FEEDING THE PIGEONS. They can scavenge for their own garbage. If you don't stop, I'm going to have to report you for illegal dumping. According to, the "Accumulation of rotten, decaying garbage attracts rats and other disease-carrying creatures. Dumping hazardous waste exposes humans and the environment to health problems and ecological decay. Illegal dumping is also associated with other forms of illegal activity. If tolerated, it sends a message to violators that it is okay to dump garbage in your neighborhood or community. decaying garbage attracts rats and other disease-carrying creatures."

I will no longer tolerate your illegal activity and I WILL report you.

Oh, and by the way... there's already an old lady who feeds the pigeons every Sunday. She offers crackers that look are a lot more popular than your nasty bread. There's also a woman and her daughter who feed them on Monday, so really, you can stop. You're not helping anyone, you're not that special and you're not as altruistic as you think. That, and I have no problem reporting all of you to the authorities.

1 comment:

lookrichbitch said...

are you sure YOU weren't the old lady getting honked at?

Where are you?

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